Nerds of a Feather/Transcript
Part I (Scene opens up showing Candace sleeping. Instead of her bedroom, a strange pinkish- purple landscape is shown. Her bed appears to be floating in midair. In the background, music plays in reverse.) Candace: (Mumbles happily, then wakes up and gasps) Wow, trippy! I'm having one of those lucid dreams where I'm aware I'm dreaming so I can control it. (Trumpet plays) Talking Zebra: (Floats up, holding a picket sign with a picture of Candace) I voted for you, Kevin. Candace: Cool! I'm gonna fly too! Okay, focus, and-- (Jumps off and falls, She lands with a thud on what appears to be thin air next to her bed. the whole landscape begins to crack and rumble) Oh no! I've broken my mind! Reality's shattering before my eyes! AAAARGH! Phineas: Candace, you're fine. It's all special effects. (Presses a button; Red grids flash and the place turns into Candace's room) Candace: Special effects? Phineas: Yeah, cool, huh? Ferb and I are warming up before we meet our special effects hero Clive Addison today at the Science-Fiction and Fantasy Convention. Candace: (Gets up) That explains why you're dressed in costumes from "Giant Losers: The Musical"! Phineas: Actually, I'm dressed as Captain Lump Sharkboard from Space Adventure XIV. And Ferb is dressed as Hymie Silverman from Stumbleberry Finkbat and the Whining Wand of the Turtle Wizard. They're the two biggest movie series of all-time, and Clive Addison did the special effects for both. Candace: Ugh! Stop being related to me! And take all your mirrors, and zebras, and junk and get out of my room! Phineas: Zebras? (Ferb shrugs) Anyway, Ferb and I aren't in your room. We're already at the convention! (Presses a remote's button) Special effects! (He and Ferb disappear, as red grids flash on them. At the convention, a camera folds up and a briefcase closes) Look at it, Ferb. (Camera pans to the convention building) Science-Fiction and Fantasy, together at last. (Camera pans to him and Ferb) It's breathtaking. Let's get in there! Hey... (Song: "Doof 'N' Puss") Doofenshmirtz: "Where's Perry?" is written on this wanted poster, hanging on a tree. And we see this little hand reach up and tear the poster down and the music kicks in and all, "Chicka, chicka, chow, chicka, chow, chow, chicka, chicka, chicka, chicka, chow," and the opening credits start, like on one of those cool 80's TV shows with a voice over. You know... Major Monogram/Voice Over: A fugitive, semi-aquatic special forces amateur stage magician, framed for a crime he didn't commit, the 1865 assassination of Abraham Lincoln, joins forces with a rogue-trillionaire inventor-extreme fighting champion from the future. Together with the aid of "R.I.C.K.", their super crime-fighting high-tech talking rickshaw, they'll bring hope, justice, and varying degrees of aquaticness to a Tri-State area in peril. Together, they are... Female singers: Doof 'N' Puss! Major Monogram/Voice Over: Tonight's episode, Ham on Rye, Hold the Mayor. Doofenshmirtz: You know, in the future we won't sit and read newspapers in the morning. Instead, giant robots will control us in human death matches. (Camera pans to Perry, who is putting poker cards on the table) Well, that gives us something to look forward to. R.I.C.K.: Good morning, team. (Small monitor comes out of the rickshaw) Doofenshmirtz: What's up, Ricky? (Perry chatters) R.I.C.K.: I've detected some strange, out of character behavior from our mayor recently, which has me concerned. (His screen shows Roger, waving) Here he is from a news report over a year ago. (Camera switches to the footage) Notice how he waves, it goes side to side, see? (Replays the footage in slow-mo) Again, side to side. (His screen switches to another footage at night, with two men. One with a clipboard, the other with a big scissor, Roger, and Bridgette Oshinomi, with a chopped ribbon) Now, here's footage from just two days ago. (Roger lifts his hand) Watch. See? His hand goes up, and then he transforms into a wolf with fiery, red eyes, and runs howling into the misty night. Doofenshmirtz: Now that you mentioned it, that is unusual for him. R.I.C.K.: We've got to somehow get close to the mayor, and find out what's going on. Doofenshmirtz: (Snaps his fingers) We're gonna need a turban and a wig. And while I'm out, I'm gonna pick up some bagels. Anyone else want anything? (Candace sneaks across the room, hefting a huge duffel bag, while Linda is busy cleaning the stove, facing away from her) Linda: Hi Candace, Where are you off to? Candace: Oh... I'm uh... going to Stacy's. Linda: Okay honey. What's in the big bag? Candace: (Cautiously) Smaller bags. Linda: Great! Have fun. (At the Science-Fiction and Fantasy Convention) Phineas: Isn't it magnificent Ferb? Special effects extravaganzas just have a way of bringing people together. Albert: (Dressed as a dragon, speaking to Irving dressed in a costume similar to R2-D2) If you think Lump Sharkboard can defeat Hymie Silverman, the elf prince, than you are three phlorics short of a foxonian zipfeller, my friend! Irving: Oh yeah? Well, you can carry your own action figures! (Opens the hatch on his costume, and various action figures spill out) Phineas: (notices Clive Addison talking with some other men near a sign) Ferb! There he is! Clive Addison! Do you have our special effects demo reel? (Ferb holds up the reel) Yes! I can't believe we're going to meet him! (They walk toward Clive Addison, but Irving steps in front of Phineas) Irving: Oh! Phineas, you're just in time. Would you please tell this dragon loving heathen that the Space Adventures movies are superior to the Stumbleberry Finkbat movies in every way imaginable? Phineas: Oh...uh...uh... We're just... (He groans when Clive Addison walks away) Irving: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were in mourning. Phineas: What? Irving: Yeah, it also took me awhile to accept the fact that I had no brother any more. (shoots a cursory look at Albert, who scowls back) Phineas: What? Irving: They actually think all those magic elves movies are better than Space Adventure's epic science-fiction genius! Phineas: Well I... (A large crowd of Finkies gathers around Albert and a crowd of Speckies around Irving) Albert: Stumbleberry Finkbat and the Lost Shadow of Darkling Tower alone, was smarter and more realistic then all the even-numbered Space Adventure movies com''bined''! Finkie: Yeah man! You tell him! Irving: Realistic? Space Adventure is based on hard scientific fact. It's like watching a reality show from the distant future. (The crowd of Speckies agrees loudly) (The crowd of Speckies stops and stares at Ferb standing beside Phineas and Irving. Ferb whistles a tune, and walks to the Finkies side) Irving: As it should...a-''be''. Irving: That fantasy stuff is for kids! It's almost as lame as dressing up as...Ducky Momo or something. (A person dressed in Ducky Momo costume runs off) Finkies: Finkies! Speckies: Speckies! (At City Hall) Roger: Thank you for auditioning, but we're looking for something a little more dazzling for the mayor's ball. Doofenshmirtz: No wait! We can dazzle, we can. I will now saw The Amazing Platydini in half. See? See? Platypuses, they're like butter. Assistant to the Mayor: Mayor, we got this surveillance photo from the wig and turban supply store. Roger: It's Doof 'n' Puss. Doofenshmirtz: And now, Plati-padapbra! Roger: Oh very impressive, Doctor Doofenshmirtz and Perry the Platypus! Now it's my turn to make you disappear. Doofenshmirtz: Oh no! Ninja Vampires! I hate these guys. (Doofenshmirtz engages in a martial-arts duel with a ninja vampire. Cut to an unrelated shot of a wooden shack blowing up. Perry the Platypus leaps from the magician's box in two halves, both ready for battle.) Ninja Vampire: Wow, he's good. (Perry's top half punches a ninja vampire. Cut to a speedboat blowing up. More fighting. A bowl of fruit explodes. Doofenshmirtz and Perry the Platypus get backed up against a wall) Doofenshmirtz: I picked the wrong day to stop carrying garlic scented throwing stars. (At the Convention) Jeremy: (Picks up his phone) Hey Stacy, how's it going? No, I haven't heard from Candace. Stacy: What! See told me that she was hanging with you today. Jeremy: Really? She told me the same thing about you. Anyway, I'm over at the Sci-Fi Fantasy convention with little Suzy. She's really into the kids stuff. You know, like Sea-Horsie Hospital, air you know, lame stuff like Ducky Momo. (Seeing a person in a Ducky Momo costume) Ooh. Suzy: Ducky Momo! (Ducky Momo runs away, and Suzy chase after him) Jeremy: Uh, Suzy? Wait, Suzy! (Ducky Momo finally loses Suzy) Suzy: Aww Jeremy: You know you can't run away like that. Candace: (In the Ducky Momo suit) Oh, that was close. (She removes the head of the costume) Why must it be so hard for a lifelong, closet Ducky Momo fan to go to a Science-Fiction and Fantasy convention, and find cool, rare Ducky Momo collectibles, without anybody discovering her dark, humiliating secret? (Song: "Ducky Momo is My Friend) When I was small, the world was such a strange place But that was all until I saw his strange face Quacking in slow-mo Ducky Momo is my friend And since we've met, he's been a friend to count on If I could bet, I'd put the full amount on Never needing to know mo Then Ducky Momo is my friend All the lessons that he's taught me brought me luck Now when life throws eggs, I know how to duck Oh, oh, but now the world just points and laughs at me here The hidden girl who risked so much to be here Showin' my face is a no-no But Ducky Momo's still my friend Ducky Momo is my friend Ducky Momo is my friend Finkies: Finkies! Speckies: Speckies! Phineas: Come on guys, aren't you blowing this all out of proportion? Irving and Albert: No. Finkies: Finkies! Speckies: Speckies! Finkies: Finkies! Speckies: Speckies! Irving: Come with me Phineas, you should meet with the Almordian Council. They'll set you straight. (They walk off) Phineas: But, what about Ferb? Irving: Oh, forget about him, he's nothing to you anymore. (pushes Phineas in front of him as he walks off) Albert: (to Ferb) Well, I guess I'm your new brother. Carry my action figures? (Irving knocks on the door of the men's restroom) Irving: We seek counsel with the exalted one. (They enter the restroom, where they see Baljeet sitting on a sink counter) Phineas: Baljeet? Irving: Baljeet is the only sixteenth level Space Adventure trivia master in the world. Baljeet: I feel a minor disturbance in the universe, almost as if... (A toilet flushes, and Clive Addison walks out of the stall) Nope! Now it is gone. Phineas: ...Okay. It's Clive Addison! Irving: Pay attention! I have unfortunate news to report master. Ferb is... dressed like an elf! Phineas: Yeah, and is costume's really cool too. He spun his own wool, and the headband's made of-- Baljeet: Oh for the love of humillian dorphite! We lost Ferb too? Phineas: He's not "lost". He's just enjoying a different genre. Baljeet: Never! The line must be drawn here! (gets up and shines a flashlight beside Phineas) Right between Phineas and his loved ones. Phineas: Oh come on. Did you ever consider that fans of Space Adventur- Baljeet: Speckies! Phineas: Right, speckies. Have more in common with fans of Stumbleberry Finkba- Baljeet: Fink''ies! '''Phineas:' Maybe Speckies and Finkies have more in common then they do differences. Baljeet: Oh! Bite this prop tongue from episode eight! (produces said prop tongue) Phineas: Have you ever tried talking to them? Baljeet: Talk!? Have you met the leader of the Finkies? Buford: I'm sure you're wondering why I, Buford, have taken a leadership role in such a geek-centered enterprise. Well, take a look around! This place is crawling with nerds! I'm like a kid in a candy store! Plus, I relate to the character of Odaf Underhump and his complex emotional inner journey. Baljeet: I seriously doubt this will work. Buford is not a man of peace. Phineas: Nonsense, I'm sure Buford will be reasonable. (They arrive at the Finkie "camp") Buford: Hey! No space bunnies allowed! Baljeet: I am not a bunny rabbit! I am an Almordian Vanksloth. Phineas: It's time to end this silly feud, so we can all enjoy Clive Addison's special effects presentation. Baljeet, you prepared a peace treaty. Baljeet: I did. (Clears his throat) We Speckies vow to live in peace and harmony with you Finkies. All that we ask is that you admit that Space adventure is much better than Stumbleberry Finkbat, and that you have brought eternal shame to your families believing otherwise. Phineas: Umm... that's not really what I said- Buford: Oh yeah!? You and what army? Baljeet: Your question makes no sense as a response to what I just said. Buford: Well, how 'bout this? (Ties Baljeet's costume's ears into a knot) Baljeet: (feels about on top of his head and becomes angry when he discovers the knot) Alright, so it is war then! Buford: Bring it on, Speckies! We're gonna go all Hyborian age on you! Baljeet: That is not even a real age! (The Speckies and Finkies go their separate ways, leaving Phineas and Ferb) Phineas: (Sighs) To quote Lump Sharkboard from Space Adventure Sixteen...Glorf. Jingle Singers: Glorf! Part II Major Monogram/Voice Over: We now return to: Female Singers: Doof 'n' Puss! Doofenshmirtz: (He and Perry are tied up inside of a storage closet) Well what did you expect? It was like twenty of them, against one-and-two-halves of us. (In the corner Roger Doofenshmirtz is struggling to get out of his own bonds) Doofenshmirtz: Look! It's the mayor! Get him! (leaps at Roger) Roger: (After being wrestled across the room) Knock it off. I'm the real mayor, that other guy is a shape-shifter posing as me. Doofenshmirtz: You know that's funny, you know, even while I was attacking, I was thinking; Why would did he tie himself up in a dark closet with us? Wh-what kind of a plan is that? (Perry chatters) Doofenshmirtz: (to Perry) Oh, you've freed yourself with your amazing magician skills! (Perry brandishes a pair of scissors) Doofenshmirtz: And also scissors. Phineas: Now we've done it, Ferb! We brought the entire convention to the brink of an inter-genre geek war. It's us to extend the olive branch of diplomacy. I'll go talk to Buford, and you can talk to Baljeet. May the luck of Sluffon be with you. Ferb: Always. Candace: Ducky Momo Plushies. Momo Collectible Card Game. Momo the Movie! Oh, the Momo-ness of it all! The sheer Momosity! Suzy: Ducky Momo! (Candace runs away) Suzy: Wait for me! Jeremy: Suzy! Oh that poor sap in the costume. Candace: She's relentless! (She runs into the "Alien nest") Speckie: Hey! No cutting! Suzy: (Runs in after Candace) I want to see inside you head! Speckie 2: These Momo nuts are such an embarrassment. Speckie 3: Seriously. (Inside the Alien Nest) Suzy: Ducky Momo? Where are you? Ducky Momo? (an alien roars, causing Suzy to run out of the nest screaming) Ducky Momo! (Candace escapes the other way) Candace: Ha! Now If I could just find one piece of Ducky Momo merchandise I don't already have, all this would be totally worth it. Phineas: I've got to get to Buford, but how to approach it? Irving: Working on your battle strategy, Phineas? Phineas: What? No! I-I mean... yes! Yes I am. In Fact, there's a way you can help. Irving: Me? Help you? My manipulator-slash-grasper is at your command! Phineas: Great! We'll have to modify your costume a bit to get behind enemy lines. Irving: Enemy lines!? (In the Finkie camp, Irving comes in dressed as a tree stump) Irving: Uh, excuse me, Mr. Barbarian, Sir. Buford: Why do you disturb my brooding on the eve of war, stumpling? Irving: I come bearing a message. (A holographic project of Phineas appears) Buford: Witchcraft! What trickery is this? Phineas: Greeting, all-mighty Odaf Underhump. Buford: Phineas, your kind is not welcome here. Phineas: Just hear me out! In a theatrical landscape that's drowning in comedy, romance, and thought-provoking ecological docu-dramas, Finkies and Speckies are all outcasts. They should be friends. Buford: There are no friends in these halls, Phineas. There are only my people, and those who must be destroyed. Phineas: But that's jus-- Buford: Hold your words, outlander! Once Odaf Underhump has made a hasty and ill-informed decision, he cannot be swayed. (Outside of the Speckie Camp, Ferb approaches the bathroom door) Speckie 1: Go home Finkie, your kind isn't welcome here. (A rustling is heard) Speckie 2: Did you see that? Speckie 1: He just vanished. Speckie 2: He must be employing some kind of cloaking device. Speckie 1: No, it's an elven cape of invisibility, duh. (Ferb slips past the two guards, under a tablecloth) Baljeet: My time is limited, Magician. I must gather my positronic impulses for the coming battle. Speak. (Ferb raises his finger, and opens his mouth to speak) Baljeet: Ha! You cannot charm me with your silver tongue, Elf Prince. (Ferb closes his mouth) Baljeet: And your magic rune signs have no power in this dimension. (Ferb lowers his finger) Baljeet: This conversation is over. Transport him away. (Ferb is bathed in light from a flashlight, as two Speckies make teleporter sounds. Ferb walks out the door) Phineas: This day isn't turning out like I'd hoped at all. Clive Addison: (standing behind him) I know how you feel. Phineas: Clive Addison! We're your biggest fans! Clive Addison: Thanks, man. It's just too bad there aren't more of you out there. Phineas: That's crazy! Everyone here loves your work. In fact, the only reason they're not in line to see you is that they're about to go to war over which of your movies is better. Clive Addison: Oh man, I don't wanna hear that. I became a special effects artist to join the nations of this earth together in peace and hope. Phineas: Well, what other reason is there for creating cool visual effects for film and television? ...Special effects! That's it! Ferb, I know what we're gonna do from this point in the day on! (Two war horns sound) Phineas: And we'd better do it fast. Look! (Song: "To War") The sun blazes red o'er the convention center! As red as the blood of all who enter! That's pumped through the hearts into this fearless choir. It's the size and the shape of a fist clenched in ire! That's raised to the sky in faith and in duty, That holds that red sun in all its beauty A beauty we all must ignore! As we take the last steps to war! 'Cause our movie's better than yours! No our movie's better than yours! (Our movie's better!) Our movie's better than yours! (Our movie's better!) No our movie's better than yours! (Our movie's better!) Our movie's better than yours! Baljeet: You cannot resist our superior technology! Buford: (lifting his arms) Smell my barbarian pits! Crowd of Speckies: Eww! Baljeet: Yuck! Buford: Let's do this. Baljeet: (Draws his flashlight) Ready? Candace: The coast is cl-- (Gasps) I don't believe it. That's the rare Ducky Momo commemorative plate where they accidentally printed the wrong the wrong saying. (The plate reads; "I Hate People!") Score! All I have to do is get over there without drawing too much attention to myself. Baljeet: Charge! (The two armies charge at each other, only to be interrupted by Candace in her quacking Ducky Momo costume crosses straight between the two armies. After an awkward pause in which everyone stares at her, she continues, finally leaving the scene.) Buford and Baljeet: Charge again! (The two sides begin "fighting" each other by rolling dice, bashing their action figures, and using other props to fight) Irving: Eat laser, Hymie Silverman! Baljeet: (After rolling dice against Buford) Haha! That gives me a five points weapon skills advantage. You lose an arm! Buford: Fine, it'll be back. Odaf Underhump has a healing factor of eight! (During Doof 'n' Puss) Mayor's Assistant: And now to present his various new, pro-ninja vampire laws, here he is, the totally, for real, Mayor. Doofenshmirtz: Freeze punk-fake mayor guy! Fake Mayor: You want me? You come get me! (He then transforms into a giant pint muscled monster) Voice Off Screen: Wait hold on a second. (The show stops, revealing that Doofenshmirtz was just pitching an idea to a big shot TV executive at the convention) Doofenshmirtz: Okay, what? Jeff McGarland: You can't just throw a monster in to the end of a story because you're stuck for an ending. It's lazy. It's lazy writing. (A giant monster, half mutant, half digital appears and roars. It is as tall as the ceiling) Irving: What is that thing?! Baljeet: (holding up a black box) I do not know! Those readings make no sense! Irving: That's a pencil sharpener. Baljeet: How is that information helpful at this juncture? Jeff: On, on second thought I love it. You may have tied me up next to-what is this? A beaver or something? (Referring to Perry) And, and pitched me a TV series against my will, not to mention holding up the autograph line. But my advanced TV executive instincts tell me your show is going to be a big hit. Doofenshmirtz: Yes! I'm going to have my own show, on television! And then, all of these fans will be so in awe of me, they will do my bidding. It's actually happening! I am going to rule the Tri-State Area! Jeff: Just a thought though, can we get the platypus a girlfriend? Doofenshmirtz: What! Never! Oh, so suddenly you know my character better than me? Forget it! I'm no sell out. I just crassly calculated commercial appeal in a mad quest for financial gain. No, no my artistic integrity and I are out! Peace! (The hybrid monster continues to terrorize the convention) Baljeet: Buford! Just what do you think you are doing? Buford: What does it look like? I'm running away, hoping that while the monster is busy eating my friends, I can escape. Baljeet: Is that what Odaf Underhump would do? Buford: (pause) No, no it's not. He'd never run from a fight. Baljeet: Exactly, no hero would, no matter what the genre. And neither will we! Buford: And, we'll win. Baljeet: Fantasy... Buford: And science fiction... Buford and Baljeet: Together! (they pump their fists in the sky together) Buford: Archers! Regroup and protect the left flank. Baljeet: Ion-Laser cannons, push him back to the center. (At the Ducky Momo booth) Lady: That'll be fifteen dollars. Candace: Here. Lady: So, you a fan of Ducky Momo? (giggles) Candace: No, why do you ask? (The monster comes over and roars at Candace, who drops her collectible, smashing it) (Blast shots begin to appear on the monster, because of the fans "firing" at it.) Phineas: It's working! Look, they've joined together to defeat our monster. Clive Addison: Oh guys, this is soooo cool! Watch this man, I'm gonna make him lurch to the right. Candace: What is that thing? It's like a nightmare, or... (Notices the projector Phineas and Ferb are using to create the monster) a lucid dream. Of course! Phineas and Ferb! (Albert uses his wand on the special effects monster) Albert: Rootah dez-tu valoomus! Albert & Irving: Rootah dez-tu valoomus! (They look at each other) Albert & Irving: Brother! Albert & Irving: Rootah dez-tu valoomus! Candace: What are you dweebs doing? Don't you get it? This is all baloney! It's just special effects. And even if it were real what good would this stuff do? Plastic blasters? Rolling dice? You think you could stop a think like that by waving a wand and saying; "Eugie beugie weugie!"? (The special effects monster disappears) Candace: I can't believe that actually worked. Kid 1: Ducky Momo defeated the monster! (Everyone runs to Candace and lift her up cheering) Buford: My people have much to learn from your people. You must tell me how to shoot a blaster someday. Baljeet: Absolutely, and you can teach me how to wield a club. Buford: '''I'm afraid that information is proprietary. '''Candace: (taking off mask) Look everybody, it's me. Candace Flynn. I'm the one you love! And I love Ducky Momo! (Everyone stares at Candace and start laughing) Kid 2: Look, she's a teenager and she's dressed as Ducky Momo! Oh that's lame, even if she did save us. Kid 3: She came dressed as Ducky Momo. Negative. Candace: Man, fickle crowd. Jeremy: Candace! That was so cool! Candace: Oh, hey, Jeremy. You're not too embarrassed to talk to Ducky Momo? Jeremy: Maybe Ducky Momo Isn't that lame after all. Someone else seems to really like him too. Suzy: I love you Ducky Momo! Candace: Ducky Momo loves you too Suzy. Clive Addison: I gotta say guys, that was, hands down, the best special effects show ever. And I've been at Burning Man. Your holo-projection device is brilliant! Phineas: Thanks, Mr. Addison! That means the world coming from you. Clive Addison: Well it's just really clear that you two are going to have an amazing career in special effects ahead of you. And if that's what you want, give me a call in ten years and I'll hire the both of you in a heartbeat. Ferb: Actually what I'd really love to do is direct. Clive Addison: Oh, you and me both. Voice over: We now return to, The Platypus & His Girlfriend. The Platypus's Girlfriend: Now Mr. Mayor, I will saw the amazingly handsome Platy-dini in half. Doofenshmirtz: (Watching the show) Ahh, he was right. This is better. I should have sold out. End credits (Song: Ducky Momo Theme Song) Ducky Mo Ducky Momo (Quack quack quack!) Ducky Mo Ducky Momo (Quack quack quack!) Ducky Mo Ducky Momo (Quack quack quack!) He's your very best friend! Who's the happy-time toy toy For every girl and boy boy? Who's the fuzzy enjoyment? Make fun with Ducky Momo! Ducky Mo Ducky Momo (Quack quack quack!) He's your very best friend! (Quack quack quack!) Category:Transcripts Category:N